Everyone knows that when you work out, the more weights you add over time, the stronger you become (and people actually do it for fun... Hahahha I’m not those people). The idea is to work your way up, slowly add more and more weights as your muscles train and gain strength. There is a sense of accomplishment and pride that comes along with putting in the work to become stronger. Generally speaking, even if you keep putting in the time and adding the weights, your body still has limits. So, if your physical body has its limits, wouldn’t it make sense that your mental/emotional strength has limits too? You can keep stacking on the weights, figuratively speaking, but eventually there’s no room, and your maxed out.
I am undoubtedly an empath. My heart feels like it physically breaks for other people’s pain or suffering of any kind. I have been this way since I was a child. Nothing happened that made me this way, I suppose it’s just a “trait”. I was once told by a “friend”, “you cry too much over things that aren’t your problem”. It was said unkindly and almost in a demeaning way. And I will always remember that because it made me realize that everyone’s heart isn’t the same, and that’s okay. At times it’s overwhelming and exhausting to feel everyone’s energy (good or bad), and to feel the gravity of other people’s heavy weights. Carrying that won’t make you stronger. It makes you tired. You are carrying your own weights and dodging the curve balls that are thrown at all of us. Your mental health affects your physical body. So, just like your muscles, your mind and emotions have limits too.
It feels like the bad stuff that weighs so much, just sits there. I have been through tough stuff, but I have had people I love go through some really bad and tragic stuff. That shit is heavy. A dear friend of mine once said a phrase to me that shifted my prospective on empathy. She said “Makensi, you can care without carrying”. READ THAT AGAIN. Wow. And she was so right, I was carrying the sadness, stress, or pain of others because I genuinely cared. I still care, I’m just working on not carrying.
I’m not sure exactly how to encompass this new perspective fully, but I’ve started with taking care of myself. I’ve started realizing that I didn’t need to tote around other people’s baggage in order to still care, show compassion and help them where I can. The fact of the matter is, I’m unable to deal with my own shit if it’s buried under everyone’s else’s. I’m a phone call or text away from coming to be by their side if they need me, that will never change. I want to be there for my people. The difference is, now I can arrive there without bringing my suitcase to pack in their weights. My headspace will be more free for caring and my hands will be more free for hugging (post covid I guess).
This is not something that happens overnight. But I’m a true believer that you can teach old dogs new tricks (I’m kinda old af). Some days are more difficult than others to manifest the “care not carry” vibe, but damnit I’m going to try! I need to for my sake, for my family’s sake, and because carrying others’ burdens doesn’t fix them anyway. We are then both tired, and I don’t know about you, but when I’m tried I’m trash. Do yourself a favor, unpack the weights your carrying that aren’t yours, and focus on being the companionate but much lighter version of yourself.