If you have been following my journey to saying “no”, you should know that it didn’t happen overnight. It took a series of events to land me right where I needed to be. I never knew how much I needed an outlet, I never knew how much I needed to write until last year.
I have always enjoyed writing and self expression, but never believed in myself enough to do anything with it. It took a huge event in our nation shaking me to my core to figure this out. Once the Black Lives Matter movement flooded the nation, I felt like I needed to speak up. But how? As a biracial woman, my heart was shattered day after day. The more I learned to be true, the more sad I became. Had I really not been seeing all of this? Was I really this blind ? So I started sharing things here and there. It was then that dear friend of mine came to me and said “Makensi, you need to make your Instagram page public. People need to hear what you are saying and see what you are posting”. So, that very day I did just that. I made my page public, and I wrote an entry. That was the entry that opened the door to my passion.
After that I started writing, jotting down notes and thoughts as they came to mind. Every post meant more than the one before, I could physically feel weight being lifted. I learned that knowledge is power, so I read and researched. I became more and more educated. I spoke less at times, and listened more. I was feeling more and more confident as I learned. I knew I wanted to write about things that other people needed to hear. I felt like I found my purpose along with my voice. I felt like I was on a nonstop flight to speaking up! Then something happened. A “friend” said some things that can’t be unheard about what I was writing, about my family and about my character... this is when self doubt crept in.
After that I stopped writing, I stopped jotting down notes and I stopped believing in myself. Instead, I started believing those things that were said. I let the unkind words of someone else derail something I felt so passionate about. I ALLOWED someone to shut me up. I let this person change the trajectory of my path. I let them slow my momentum. It was more important now than ever before that I spoke up, and instead I completely halted.
Once I opened my eyes and realized what had happened, I jumped back on my flight. I wrote to this person and told them how much they had hurt me. For the first time, I didn’t back down. I stood up for something I believe in and never looked back. And it felt so freeing. I was worthy. What I was writing was important. How I felt was valid.
This was the turning point for me. I used the exact tool they had taken from me to regain my confidence. I started sharing and writing more and more. I picked up right where I left off, only this time I did it standing a bit taller. I was going to start standing up for myself in all aspects, because I needed to practice what I was preaching, to never to be silenced. My tribe could always count on me to be in their corner, yet when it came to me, I didn’t show up,. All that had changed.
There is a lesson to be learned from our valleys. I strongly believe that. I also think there is a purpose for every one of us. I’m confident now that writing is a part of my purpose. Words are critical. Words are powerful. Words can build people up, but just as quickly tear them down. It was evident that writing was my purpose because when I allowed someone else to stop me from doing it, I felt like something was missing.
If you are struggling to find your purpose, know that you aren’t alone. It took me 33 years and an ended relationship to find mine. And it was worth the wait. When you feel like something is missing, keep looking, there is where you’ll find your passion. The person that tried to tear me down is the very person that I have to thank for lighting the fire that soon lit my path to a stronger me. Also please note, “you can miss a person every day, and still be glad they are no longer in your life”.
The entry that lead me to my purpose,
June 5th 2020:
I’ve never in my life needed to believe in this more... I NEED GOOD THINGS TO COME. In order for good things to come we must do good. We must change our “in the box” thinking because inside that box you can’t grow. We must change our behavior in order to have a different outcome because our behavior is a direct reflection of us. We must educate because our lack of knowledge is a disservice to our black community. We must then teach our children because if we don’t, who will? We must unite because divided we HAVE fallen. WE MUST BE UNCOMFORTABLE IF WE WANT TO MOVE and we must move because being stagnant has created chaos. We must change our core values because
it’s values that we act on, and in order for history not to repeat itself our values must include love. We must speak for the unheard because being silent when we have the ability and PRIVILEGE to speak is just as disheartening as siding with oppressor. We must shift our energy in order to change to trajectory of our future. With all of this... GOOD THINGS ARE COMING.