Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by a mirror! I sure as hell have been. It doesn’t matter the number on the scale, as a women the pressure of body image is EVERYWHERE. And why is that? What makes that number so damn important? I still have no clue, but it’s suffocating. I will let it be known, that I have been on every crash diet there is. I have counted calories, eliminated carbs, and added butter to my coffee... I’m a serial dieter for sure. I will admit, I have lost weight every time. But the image in the mirror never really changed, only the number on the scale.
I, like a lot of women, have spent my entire adult life chasing a number on the scale. And why? Why do we constantly consume ourselves with “watching our weight”? The answer has me stumped... I have no idea. I don’t know why we chase numbers. I do know that I have never looked in a mirror and saw a naked body that I was proud of. Ever. Quite the opposite if I’m being very honest. I’m ashamed to reveal the level of disgust and shame I have felt when looking at my bare body. I think other woman’s bodies are beautiful, no matter the size or shape, just not my own. Seems strange, but overwhelmingly accurate. It doesn’t matter what compliments anyone gives, or how much my husband swears he loves my reflection... I struggle to see it.
After having babies, a woman’s body naturally changes, yet we are expected to defy the odds and remain unchanged. That’s completely unrealistic, ITS TRASH. I have grown 3 full term humans inside my body... I FREAKING MADE HUMANS! That in and of its self should be ridiculously impressive to everyone, but to most, the aftermath is far from appealing. The things that a woman’s body goes through to bring another person into this world is undoubtedly BAD ASS! But, the minute the baby leaves our body, we are expected to snap back as if nothing happened. Doesn’t that sound absurd? It’s bull shit, yet I ate it right up. I truly believed that I was “less than” if I wasn’t instantly back to “pre baby weight”.
I have recently been seeing so many things centered around body positivity for women, and I wanna be those women! I want to be proud of the skin I’m in. I want to feel comfortable and confident when I walk past a mirror after a shower. I want to see my stretch marks only as evidence that I created life. But truth be told, I’m not that woman, and I am not alone. There is a reason there is a movement happening called “anti diet”, it’s because diets don’t work. And they don’t work because even if the scale number changes, for some of us, the image we see doesn’t. Read that again. We have to change the way we look at ourselves before anything will actually transform.
I’m going to be very transparent here, I don’t love myself the way that I should. I’m constantly struggling with loving my midsection. I have two daughters, and I want better for them. I want them to love themselves the way I wish I did. I want them to be able to eat a meal without thinking about the calorie count. I want them to embrace their post baby bodies one day. So, in order for this to happen, I have to lean into a pivot of the way I look at myself. I have to lead by example. It will not happen over night, but i have to be more kind to myself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier, or wanting to be stronger. It’s great to eat fresh fruits and veggies! If going on a run makes you happy and more confident, DO IT! But the motivation behind all of that has to be something other than a number on a scale. I don’t think I have ever really thought about just how important that “why” is, until now. I’m not a specialist by any means, but I can tell you that there are many medical reasons that motivate some people to change their eating habits. And for them, THAT should be the reason. Only then will it stick, because they know their “why”. Of course there are so many health benefits to having balance in your food choices, but there are no benefits to obsessing over it.
So if you are a woman that can’t completely love yourself because of a number on the scale, it’s not just you. I’m right there with you but I’m proclaiming a change! I’m going to make it a priority to tell myself I am worthy of more grace when I look in a mirror. Together as a community of woman we need to commit to normalizing loving our bodies in every season. Feeling confident in a mirror is powerful. And ladies, eat a damn brownie if you want!
I’m going to start giving myself more love. I still think living a healthy lifestyle is important, and that won’t change. But I’m going to start focusing on the “why”, the reason that’s important. I need to start showing up for myself in order to get in the headspace I need for healing. I’m walking away from the scale for a little while as I try to be more confident in my reflection. I’m shedding the layer of guilt and shame. I’m making it a point to embrace my post baby body. So, as for the calorie counting obsession, and being a prisoner to the scale, it’s a no from me.
