Friends come and go, but the memories never seem to really fade for me. There are friends that I have had for 30 plus years, and there are friends I’ve had for only six months. Like I’ve talked about before, letting go of friendships doesn’t come easy or natural to me. I relish in memories of good times, laugher, tight hugs and deep conversations. I can still feel the pain of heartbreaks, cross country moves and crushing losses. For some reason, my mind doesn’t let go of any of those. I can physically feel the moments, joyous or heart shattering. I know not everyone is like this, so it leaves me asking why? Why do I feel things so intensely? Why do I remember things so vividly? Over the past year I have definitely been working on the ability to “care without carrying”, but I’ve been this way for 34 years, change doesn’t come overnight.
Some people can disconnect themselves from a person as their lives change and their paths no longer cross. I cannot. For me, it’s as if I freeze time until we talk or see each other again. I can pick up right where we left off. I have an unbelievably good memory and I tend to pay very close attention to details. I never forget a birthday or anniversary, and chances are I’ll reach out without hesitation if you cross my mind. I have a weekly reminder to that says “tell someone you love them” in my phone. When the reminder goes off, the first person I think of randomly through the day, I text. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since we last spoke. I kind of let my surroundings of the day “show me” who to reach out to. I like to think it’s a little sign that they might need to know they are loved. My husband says I’m very “clairvoyant”, I’m not sure about that, but I do let my energy lead on that. To some people that’s odd, and unnecessary. But to me its a genuine gesture of kindness.
Along with all the warm and fuzzy feelings I get when I reminisce with an old friend, I also have moments of sadness that come with remembering friends of my past. I miss the young carefree adventures, I miss the late night chats, I miss the sleepovers, I miss the joy rides and late skates. I miss lunch breaks with old coworkers and conversations with old teachers. I can honestly say that all of those things took a part in who I am today. All of those people impacted my life in one way or another. I do not take my relationships lightly, no matter the duration of the day to day friendship or how often we speak now.
I am an empath. I feel deeply for other people’s joy or misfortune. It’s as if I’m a sponge that absorbs all the energy around me. Some people might think this is a blessing, and most days I feel that it is as well. But as I’ve said before, there are times when it feels more like a curse. When I hear news of an old friend going through a devastating divorce, getting a life altering diagnosis, or passing away too soon, it’s as if time never moved. I go right back to the time when I was working endlessly on school projects with them. I can feel their embrace when we celebrated a Cheer Nationals victory. I can hear their contagious laugh while having drinks in their garage on folding chairs. I can see their tears as we discuss parents passing. I can close my eyes and be right back to those exact moments. So, it is a blessing but it’s also a reminder that’s things change. People that have impacted my life bury their children. And old friends die.
Weather I talked to them yesterday or have not spoken to them in years, I will congratulate them on new babies. I will send condolences when they bury a parent. I will make a meal when they go through chemo. I will shoot them a happy birthday text. And with out a doubt, I can promise , I will shed tears and mourn them when they pass away. You see, when it feels like 15 years ago was only yesterday, time is irrelevant to an empath. Just because their heartbreak or tragedy doesn’t affect your daily life, it doesn’t mean you aren’t aloud to have emotions. It doesn’t mean you can’t be overjoyed for them. And it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t feel deep sorrow for their death.
Many of my old friend’s have been through so much pain or have died tragically. No one is designed to endure such devastation. This is life. Babies are born, people fall ill, and death is inescapable. I think it’s just hard as I age to see the harder things happening more often. The oblivion you had as a adolescence is completely gone. The thought that you can be so blindsided by the finality of death is mind blowing.
I feel my feelings when I remember an old friend, it’s just who I am. I want to thank all of the people along the way for shaping me. I want to hug all them for loving me. And I want to promise all of them that I will shed tears for them because they matter. My heart is full and my words are genuine. It’s ok to mourn the past, just remember today you are making memories for tomorrow. You never know what impact you will have on people.