When we were kids we learned early on who we had access to, to befriend. Most of our friends were based off of proximity, because we didn’t really have a choice. We were friends with the kids next door, the kids in class our class, the ones on the same dance team, or our parents’ friend’s kids, because those were the kids we are around by default. You may not have really liked Tracy, on your dance team, but you saw her every Tuesday and you both liked purple, so you went with it.
As we transition into adolescence, we get our drivers license and we gain more freedom. We now have the opportunity to kind of CHOOSE who we spend our time with, to some degree. But we still live at home with our parents, and we still dance on a team, so we remain somewhat restricted in what we do. This is when most of us encounter the confusion of who we actually enjoy being around or who we just have history with. We know who we get along with best and who we have more fun with but...the comfort of an old friend feels safe. Thus, we tend to still hang on even if they don’t value or invest in us anymore.
Now, as adults, we have complete freedom! We can come and go as we please, we can befriend or disassociate with whomever we choose, right? As encouraging as that sounds, many of us don’t really do that. How many of us actually feel like we have “friend freedom”? Or do we continue with the habit of proximity and convenience, rather than invest our time into genuine friendships? How many of us continue to pour into relationships with people that aren’t kind to us just because its easy and feels safe? I think the answer to that might be surprising (or maybe not).
Now, I’m not saying that the ONLY reason you are friends with your neighbor or your coworker is because its easy or because of the proximity. Maybe you really click with them! I am l very close to my neighbors, they are kind to me. We click! They are my friends. I have made lifelong friendships with neighbors, the old and the new, I’m very grateful for that. I have many co workers that I’ve kept in contact with long after we were colleagues, because I care about them. However, although i undoubtedly consider some of them my friends, doesn’t mean they feel the same way. I read something the other day that said “let’s normalize NOT calling everyone a friend” and that stood out to me. It rang home because all these years, I have had people in my life that really dont think of me as a friend. Shouldn’t it be a two way street? I mean, if a woman introduced a man as her “boyfriend” and he didn’t feel the same way, wouldn’t that seem uncomfortable? Shouldn’t it be the same for friendships? Let’s set some boundaries, are you friends or do you say “a girl I used to work with” when you speak of them. There is a clear difference... this is what I’m learning. Sure, you can say “this is my friend Jane, I worked with her”, then you made it clear that you value her. Might seem silly, but it’s important. I am valuable, and so is my time. If i am calling you my “friend” and you don’t value me, then we are not the same. At some point, we have to realize the difference.
Human connection is so important to me. I’ve never met a stranger, and establishing relationships with people is my thing. When I meet someone, I always try to find a connection. I put so much into manifesting a bond with anyone I cross paths with. I love meeting new people and finding common interests. Having friends from all walks of life is something that I take pride in. I feel like there is a power in being able to connect with people on many levels, regardless of your likeness. My husband has always joked because we can’t go anywhere without seeing someone I know, and he isn’t wrong. Once, we were in an airport, in another state, and I ran into TWO people I knew at two different times (that was quite the coincidence lol). This isn’t because I’m “well known” or anything like that, its because I genuinely take interest in getting to know everyone I meet. And I love that.
I’m so grateful for all of the relationships i have made, every one of them, and i value them immensely. I truly think that each person was put in my life for a reason. Many of these people have helped me become who i am today (that’s you Raf, i love you... even if you are bossy af, you’re still my favorite). All of this being said, there is a downfall to it all... I don’t sever ties. No matter how that “friend” treats me, I stick around. It doesn’t matter how many times they let me down, I keep showing up. No matter how many times they hurt me, I will turn a blind eye and say “it’s just the way they are”. I’m 34 years old and I can tell you, without a doubt, I have never severed ties from a friend...until now. Twenty twenty highlighted how priceless time is. I had to prioritize my time. I began to question something... am i really missing out on something I don’t seem to miss? Not at all. When I say I’ve severed ties, it doesn’t mean I no longer love them, it means they are no longer my top priority. I am by no means the best friend in the world, and I’m not perfect. I have unintentionally hurt people in my lifetime and I’m not proud of that. But I stand by the fact that I am a good friend, I put my heart into every relationship that I have. But there were people that I was always pouring into that I feel didn’t genuinely value me. And that’s not fair. I will always love my people. I’ll never turn my back on them, even if ties are severed, because that’s just who I am (if you are an enneagram 2, you get it). But I will no longer invest my time there...it’s a no from me.
As a woman i feel like we are programmed to believe that life is a popularity contest. It’s not. Life is so much more. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m learning not everyone is mine. So, as i wrap this up I want to be very clear about a few last things. First, know your worth. Know that even if someone that you love hurts you or betrays you, you ARE enough. Secondly, YOU teach people how to treat you. Read that again (shout out to Coach Colene for that wisdom). You have to set solid boundaries and stick to them or they will continue to cross them. Lastly, you can have 500 friends, like me (I’m a lucky girl), and know all of their birthdays by heart (i really do), but you should give your time to those who really care about you. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that are nice, the ones that invest in you, and the ones that support you. Your friends should say nicer things about you when you aren’t around than when you are, remember that. Understand its okay to outgrow someone, and don’t hang on just because you have history. You can have space for them in your heart but you don’t have to clear your calendar.
