Ten months. For ten months I have been living out one of my biggest anxiety triggers... health uncertainties. I vividly remember being young and my mom taking me to the doctor, I was maybe eight years old. The reason she took me was because I was convinced my heart wasn’t beating... that’s fear. Side note, it was indeed beating hahaha. Fear is a really shitty waste of time and energy. It is something that even if I say “no” to, it still creeps in and it knows no boundaries. When Covid hit in March, it seemed the world was ending to a lot of people. Many things were closing, streets were empty, people were dying, the vast unknown, basically an apocalypse movie in real life. I had a feeling of impending doom that I could not push away, no matter how hard I tried. It was a roller coaster of emotions, day in and day out. The anxiety and worry was crippling. My grandmother (oh how I miss my Granny Mae) always said “an idol mind is the devil’s playground”. For me staying busy all my life is what kept my anxiety at bay (you’ll see the relevance of this a minute). But with covid here, it seemed the world had stopped on it’s axis. Restaurants and shops were closed, sporting events were suspended, and worst of all... gatherings with friends and family were limited. I spiraled. Circling back to “an idol mind” here, I think I’m learning that It’s not only that I’ve always felt guilty saying “no”, it’s also that I have always felt obligated to “yes”. All this time this was the root of me never allowing myself to say “no”. Saying “yes” was how I coped. I was endlessly running myself into the ground to avoid sitting with my own thoughts. This was my way of gaining control over my fear/anxiety, staying busy all the time. If I never had down time, all seemed well. However, when I was smacked with the realization that I had to be still and that “yes” to invitations wasn’t an option (most events didn’t exist in 2020), I had to make a choice. I could go to a dark place and be riddled with fear and anxiety or I could seek guidance. I proudly found a Telehealth therapist (Dr. Lee is the real MVP) and booked an appointment. Man, living in the 5G era is wild isn’t it? I can do my sessions with her in my pjs at home, which eliminated the anxiety that came with simply stepping foot into a waiting room! I accepted that I needed to work this shit out, so I took steps to help myself, and I’m so grateful for those resources. My worry, fear, and health triggers still happen, but now I have the time and tools to address them head on, rather than hiding behind a birthday party, a craft club (which I really did enjoy most of the time), a play date, etc. Now I can sit with my fears, process (sometimes a brief panic), readjust my thoughts, and rationalize my outcomes. I have the time to do this because I now say “no” to stuff I can’t or don’t want to do (it’s still hard but now it feels validated). Fast forward to today, January 24th 2021. I made it all the way here from March of 2020 avoiding this plague. The dreadful day has come, I have the novel covid-19. I’m very fortunate, my symptoms thus far have been pretty mild, a short lived fever, a light cough, fatigue (but who has 3 kids and isn’t tired?) and a “covid headache”. All of which can be managed at home. I’m prayerful that this is the worst of it, and my family and I can make it through the remaining 9 days of isolation easily. Hoping I won’t want to give my kids up for adoption or get a divorce (jk kinda), if you know, you know. I mean I want them close, but I also want to be left the hell alone... being a woman is confusing eh? I am cooped up in my house with my family, my phone, and my thoughts. I have had so many friends drop off care packages and meals already! Their kindness is incredible. I’m going to try so hard to look at the positives of this shitty situation. I’ve had mild symptoms, my family is seemingly healthy, and my friends are generous rockstars! Today my spirits are high (only after a full blown mental breakdown on my husband...it had to come out right?). And best of all, my world didn’t end like I feared! Fear and anxiety are nothing to take lightly, it can be debilitating if you don’t address them. So make sure you make time for yourself. Tell people “no” so you can say “yes” to yourself, and remember that staying busy can only work for so long, you’ll eventually run out of gas.
