A Hug or a Headlock?

Let’s talk relationships! My husband and I have been together since I was fourteen and he was seventeen, (I know, I know, at that age, it’s a hella gap). It’s been almost twenty years. Two decades. We have been married for almost fourteen of those years, and it’s always joyful bliss...Kidding! If you are in a long term relationship or married you know that it takes work, so much freaking work. My husband and I are basically polar opposites in every way. Literally, every single way. Like, if the phrase “opposites attract” had a poster couple, it would be us! I love art and writing, he enjoys numbers and Excel spreadsheets (yuck). I like to play it safe, he is a risk taker. I wear my heart on my sleeve, he keeps his very guarded. I’m way too trusting, it takes a lot to gain his trust. I want to be around people 24/7, whereas he is completely content having alone time. I’m a listener, he’s a fixer. I LOVE pizza and he could never eat pizza again and be happy about it (what a weirdo). Anyways, this ying and yang relationship seems to have worked well for us over the past two decades. But, that means a lot of misunderstandings, loads eye rolling (usually from me), a lot of cussing (also me) and a shit ton of walking away to cool off then circling back. So many people have said we are “relationship goals”, and that’s funny to me, because we can go from lovey to lashing out in 0.5 seconds. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to hug him or put him in a headlock. The only thing I can figure out that makes us different than some couples is that we have grown up together. Literally. We know one another’s highs and lows. We can read each other like books by default. I think some people feel like marriages should be roses, unicorns, and lolly pops... maybe in the beginning, but the honeymoon tends to wear off. I feel like love itself is effortless, but successful relationships take hard work. About 5 years ago we learned about “love languages” and that was ground breaking. If you haven’t looked into this or read the book, you should. We’ve learned our languages are different (shocker), and we usually tend to give, unintentionally, what we like receiving verses what our partner prefers. Diving in to what their language is can bridge the gap! There is no simple cookie cutter solution on ensuring your relationship/marriage will work, each couple has a unique blueprint. What works for some, may not work for the next. I’ll give you a few things that have worked for us over the years.This may all seem like “duh”, but maybe it’s insight or perspective for others. First is honesty. It’s that simple, be honest, and if you can’t be honest with your partner, maybe you need to evaluate why. Next up is expectation. Just like a friendship, in a marriage you get out what you put in. It wouldn’t be fair if I set the bar super high for him and didn’t expect him to do the same for me. If I’m putting 100% into this relationship, I expect him to do the same. However, if I know he has had a hard day and he seems down or irritable, I can lower my expectations from him that day. I would expect him to do the same for me. Everyone is entitled to off or low productivity days, sometimes your cup is just empty or you are just out of gas, and that’s ok. Next, and this is big, is respect. If we don’t respect one another, then we don’t listen to one another, and listening is KEY to communication, a relationship won’t work without communication. After that is giving grace, which is hard for some people. I’m often too forgiving in all aspects of relationships, but in a marriage you have to give one another grace. Grace can look different for each couple, I’m not saying it means forgiving them for abuse or having an affair, it means letting them slack on laundry or leave the dishes in the sink from time to time. It’s ok for him to have a bad day, it’s ok for me to PMS and lose my shit or cry for no reason (isn’t being a woman fun?). The last thing, some people may not find necessary, but I swear it is for us, is going on dates. You have to continue to date your spouse. I had an employer once pull me aside the week before my wedding and say “Go on a date once a week, even if you are pissed at him, even after you have kids, still go on the date”, and that stuck. So we do, well we did until covid kinda screwed us, but we will get back to it! We are the foundation of our family, if it’s cracked, the walls can’t stand as tall. Now, all this being said, sometimes I want to shin kick him... I literally visualize it (I don’t condone violence but I’m dramatic). Because he can get on my last damn nerve. The things he does sometimes (ie. leaving a cabinet door open, leaving drinks wherever, leaving work stuff ALL OVER THE HOUSE), drive me absolutely insane. It’s also that he has a much shorter fuse than I do, not necessarily a “temper”, but that drives me nuts. I’m one to just let it go and move on... not much into yelling (most the time, but I can so don’t try me hahahah). We are still learning a happy medium on that (yes 20 years later we still have to learn new things). In short, we both have our flaws, but we have learned how to navigate through our marriage in a less chaotic way because we accept the others flaw’s. I’m in no way an expert on healthy relationships, as many of my friendships in my life haven’t been very healthy, but I know what seems to work in my marriage. I know that we all argue, we all need to take walks to cool off, we all slam doors (I love slamming a door), we all lash out, and we all envision a week at the beach solo (or is this just me?). If you take nothing else away from this, remember that being transparent in all relationships is a win win. Either you will except and love them as the shit show they are (thanks babe), or you won’t. You grow through what you go through. Some have been through far more than others... water the seeds, get your hands dirty, except their flaws, and date your spouse, I promise you it’s so good.